Tuesday, April 8, 2014

To Jude and Calvin (a journal entry about prayer)


This week has certainly turned into the warmest week so far this year.  My discipline of prayer took place yesterday while walking the hills and trails of our local state park.
I hiked up a large hill and into a pine grove.  It always seems to be quieter there in comparison to other places - probably from the pine needles that break up the sound.  My single focus was to experience an awareness of God’s presence through solitude in nature.
I quickly realized that for some reason, there is “agony” in me. 
I wondered:  Why am I this way?  Why don’t I ever stop?  Why do I keep living to prove myself to myself?  To others?  Why can’t I relax in this pine grove and know the peace of God in the depths of my soul? 
In hope, I prayed:  “Lord, I know I am your Beloved.  I know that I can stop doing, slow down, and rest.  I know that I don’t have to prove myself to you and I can rest in believing that you continually prove yourself to me.  Hear my cry.  Know my voice.  Please rest my anxious and troubled heart.”
It seemed like the sky opened:  With a force of gentle might, the Almighty One said, “I Am.”
In that moment, joy overcame me because of the view - my awareness of being became my prayer.  The sight of the trees, the sky, the grass, and the landscape somehow infused with me as we became one.  The gentle breeze not only breathed on my face and hair, but also in my soul.
To participate with existence is beautiful.  To love.  To be.  To breathe.  To think.  To feel.
To exist is something truly wonderful… 
I thought:  I don’t always participate with existence - agony is always the result.  Lord, have mercy on me a sinner.  Teach me your ways.  Guide my paths.  Allow me to hear your rhythms (Psalm 119). 
It sounds ridiculous, but remembering to value such moments and plan for them in the days ahead is a challenge.   Urgency is always knocking at the day’s agenda.  Life’s pace is always being encouraged to accelerate.  Regardless of these external pressures, the challenge of planning for and valuing these moments is worth fighting for.  The life that is founded upon those sorts of moments has more value than anything else (Matthew 13:44-46).
I need those times.  I will plan for those times.  I will be faithful to those times.  I will try and make all times like those times.
Lord, have mercy on me a sinner.

Be existence for me in those times…in all times.

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