What a day! It was our day off and it was a great day.
Never have I struggled with taking a day off until I entered pastoral ministry. Now that I've been in this kind of ministry for four or so years, I've learned that if I don't set strict and regimented boundaries for myself, that day off I've been looking for simply won't happen. Seriously, it's a struggle. If I'm not careful, I can find myself talking to my wife about ministry. I can find myself thinking about ministry. I can find myself talking through the things I have to do or the conversations I have to have. If I'm not careful, my day off can turn me into a think-tank. A think-tank day off isn't a day off at all. So, that's a little about us, our day off, and how we struggle with it.
If I could rank our day off today, I'd give us a B. The first half of the day, I found myself thinking through every ministry detail possible. Should we do this or should we do that? What conversations do I need to have this week? What could I think or say to impress that person (it's sad but more often than not, I find myself thinking such toxic thoughts). How should we structure this next weeks service? How involved should I be in that project? What do people think of me? What if….? And these thoughts can go on and on and on with no purpose or end in sight. They're literally exhausting and when they take place on my day off, I'm worn out by noon.
This morning, I found myself worn out and exhausted by these cyclical thoughts. I'm ashamed that I even have them. Because a good pastor wouldn't think such things, would he? Seriously, it's so embarrassing to have these thoughts, it makes me want to puke. They're worrisome, heavy, redundant and never-ending.
My wife thinks I'm being attacked (in a spiritual sense). Around our house, we call this sort of thing "the raid." And when the raid comes, it's so easy to become punctured and lacerated by the predatory teeth of doubt, worry, fear and stress. And we know when the raid comes, it's usually a sign that we're doing something right, but it's so hard to think that way when you feel like a shark has you by the waist.
This morning I was attacked. The raid came.
In the afternoon, I was able to spend some time by the pool with my face in my Bible as well as a Dallas Willard book. There's a reason Jesus referred to the Word of God as bread - it's food that nourishes the soul. Between the turns of the pages, I would meditate on what I just read and pray about it. It's amazing how a raid can be flipped on it's head with intentional time soaking in the words of God. Soon, the negative questions began to fade. The fear and worry and anxiety vanished. God began to pour himself into my heart and it was exactly what I needed. This afternoon, I felt shalom (peace from God).
This is the part when my day off actually became my day off.
We went to the Ionia Free Fair. I have a friend who is obsessed with this thing. I, on the other hand, am not. It's the same people over and over again. You know the type; the adults who try to fit into little kid's clothes. The carnie who has two teeth and who tries to talk you into buying three rings to throw around pop bottles. The basketball hoops that are too small for the basketballs. The blood footprints spread out across the midway. This is the time when hicks come out of the woodwork. I used to make jokes about the fair. I used to say, "And that's the reason why this is a prison town." But tonight, something changed. Instead of my negative comments about the culture and the atmosphere of the fair, I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed the smell of cotton candy that lingered in the air (I focused on this more than the smell of the puke). I marveled at the young families that strolled the midway with their kids and strollers. I even wanted to go on a ride (I didn't...my wife said it was too dangerous and I needed to think of our family first). I got to witness the joy on my two year old's face when he rode his first carrousel and roller coaster. Or the excitement of my nephew as he looked at the sheep, pigs, goats, or cows. Perhaps it was watching my mother-in-law ride a little kids roller coaster. Whatever it was, it was amazing. For the first time in a while, I was able to fully embrace the beauty of the moment. For the first time in a while, I was able to take time off without the endless and mindless ideas and questions that pollute like spilled oil in the Gulf. We went to the fair tonight, and I loved it. What a blessing it is to love the fair!
Considering how my day went, with the early morning worry, the afternoon prayer and reading time, and the fair, I'd say it ended on a pretty good note. I feel rested, recovered and fully in love with my family. I feel peace.
I know my days off aren't going to come easy, but I'm going to continue to make the time and create the boundaries to foster the possibility of embracing God, my family, and my self.
Today was a great day!
