Living in First Person

I don't know if this is going to sound strange, but I'd like to share something that's been on my mind over the summer. 

I have to continually remind myself to exist in first-person.  I am me.  Life is currently happening, unfolding, and blooming into each moment.  As it does, I have thoughts, feelings, opinions, experiences, hopes, ambitions, and tastes.  As weird as it sounds, sometimes I have to remind myself that I am living and experiencing the present. 

This morning is wonderful.  I currently have music playing and I'm enjoying songs from Death Cab for Cutie.  Next to my computer is a cup of coffee flavored with the new girl scout cookie creamer that I've come to really enjoy.  I'm breathing by inhaling and exhaling through my nose but the air I'm breathing is incredible humid due to this warm and rainy summer morning.  My 18 month old (Calvin) is in the room next to my office sleeping - I'm trying to be quiet and keep my music low.  My desk is a mess; filled with books and papers that seem to accumulate out of thin air. 

I am alive.  I am me.

What I've realized over the summer is that I don't make these observations enough.  Instead of living in first person, I think about what needs to happen at church.  I think about the 14 books I need to read in the next month.  I think of the conversations I need to have with those people.  I think of how I need to Biblically defend and support a point in the sermon that I preached a few Sundays back.  I wonder what people are thinking.  I'm concerned about other's faith, family, and finances.  My heart celebrates with the joy of some people and grieves with the despair of others.  And while I'm thinking all these thoughts, I find myself living more in third person or living as the narrator.  I don't stop often enough to enjoy the taste of my coffee.

This summer, I realized that much of my life has become reactive.  When I get a glimpse of someones expectation for me, I try and meet it.  When someone offers me advice, I feel like I need to honor that advice by listening to it.  When someone wants me to preach that way, I feel like I need to listen to them in order to make them happy.  When someone is disgruntled, I feel like I need to bend over backwards in order to make things better.  And when much of my life is spent working for other people, I've come to realize that I've actually stopped working for God.  Somewhere in the mix of everything, I've stopped pursuing the call that He gave me.  Instead, I've met the call of everyone else.  I think it's a good thing to meet people's needs, support them, and love them, but sometimes the enemy of the best is the good.

I need to be proactive in my approach to life.  The best thing in my life, or perhaps you could call it my sweet spot, is when I slow down and quiet myself with God.  When I do that, I'm excited and passionate about life.  When I'm in my sweet spot, I can energetically minister, support, and encourage people.  In fact, I'm able to truly love others when I'm proactive in this way.  When I tune out the background noise and quiet myself with God, I'm am me.  When I can soak in the moment, I'm able to live in first person.  That's exactly where I want to be.  I want to be able to enjoy life as it comes.

Living in third person or as a narrator is exhausting.  These are the times when I try and control people or situations.  These are the times when I live based on what everone else wants me to do.  To be honest, I never feel like I'm free to be me in these moments.  It's more about what "I have to do" rather than "what I want to do."  Even in writing this, someone is going to criticize me for not including a Bible verse - as to somehow legitimize my thoughts or feelings.  And if I were to live in third person, I would add a verse to make people happy.  Living that way is exhausting.  Sometimes, when I'm living that way, I forget to taste my coffee.  I forget to hug my family.  I forget to pray.  I forget to soak in God's words.  When I'm living this way, weeks will go by in a blur and for some reason, I can't remember the last time I felt joyful.

I have to continually remind myself to exist in first person.  I am me.  I have thoughts, ambitions, opinions, feelings, tastes, preferences, and dreams.  Some people simply tell me to "let go and let God."  That's great they have it all figured out, but for me, that sounds like nothing more than a trite Facebook quote that's used as opium for the masses.  Living in first person is easiest for me when I find my center in Christ.  When I allow God to be my narrator, I'm able to enjoy the first person perspective of life and participate in the story that He is telling.  When I see what He is doing in the world I'm able to surrender my life to His mission, that's when I get excited, that's when I'm in my sweet spot.  When I center my heart, mind, and soul in Christ, I'm able to feel joy again.  When I slow down and allow the breath of God to fill me, I'm able to know freedom and peace.  It's in these times that I'm able to sit quietly under an oak tree and enjoy the August buzz that comes from the cicada's song.  It's in these times that ice cream seems to taste better.  It's in these times that I love people for who they are.  It's in these times that I can have the unspeakable and unexplainable gratitude for my life and everyone in it.

I am me.  I am a child of God.  I am Joel.

I can taste my coffee again.  I can feel my heart beat.  I can go fishing.  I can rest.  I can stick my hand out of the car window and be kiddishly amused as I pretend it's an airplane in the wind.  I can laugh until I cry.  I can feel.  I can hug my family and enjoy the moment.

I am me and I'm continually reminding myself to live in first person.